Getting to know myself

Warning: this post is personal, verging on egocentric. If this isn’t your cup of tea. I advise you to go drink some coffee.

Some of you might remember my existential crisis a couple of months back. I’d love to tell you all that I found my purpose in live. But in reality, I lost myself during the search.

It’s gotten so bad that I’m turning into a clichΓ©: ‘I don’t even know who I am anymore’. Sure, I could do another ‘5 facts about me’ tag. But these are things I already know about myself. I want to learn what makes me tick. So this post isn’t so much about you guys getting to know me. But more about me getting to know myself.

I found a post online with 20 questions, promising insight into your own mind. I’m not expecting a big ‘I-understand-the-world-now’ revelation. I just hope to shed some light on things I didn’t know about myself. Here I go:

1. What will people say about you on your funeral?
I think about this one every once in a while. And I honestly don’t know. I shed friends like a snake sheds it’s skin. I tend to surround myself with the type of people I need at that time. Sometimes people who push me. On other times people who care for me. There’s a core group of people who stick around.

It’s hard for me to imagine what people would say about me at my funeral. Since I don’t really know who will show up.

2. What stands in between you and complete happiness?
Me.

3. When will you accept yourself for who you are?
I don’t exactly know who I am. So It’s a hard one to answer. But based on prior experiences, I’d say never.
That might sound sad. But in my mind it’s a good thing. I constantly want to strive to be a better person.

4. God asks you: “Why should I let you into heaven?”. What would you answer (despite the fact you are religious or not)?
Uhm… I can’t say I’m a good person. But I wasn’t THAT bad either. Unless I turn out to be a sleepwalking serial killer.

5. Are you afraid of death?
Not really. It’s a natural part of life. (unless you are one of those magical immortal jellyfish) It can come in 50 years or tomorrow. I’m more afraid that it’ll be a slow and painful process.

6. If they fire you tomorrow. Who would comfort you?
My parents and boyfriend. A better question would be: ‘who will help me move on?’.

7. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
There have been good and bad times. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of and people did things to me that haunt me until this day. But I doubt I would change anything. It would make sleeping easier, but it made me the quirky, awkward person I am today.

8. If you had to give a speech to the entire planet and you only had 30 seconds, what would you say? Having S.A.D. and all, I’d probably hyperventilate for a good 20 seconds. I’ll probably end that star performance with an inappropriate joke.

9. You are rich and don’t have to work anymore. What would you do?
That one is surprisingly easy to answer. I’d start my own YouTube channel. I spend every free minute I have on YouTube and crave to be part of it. I could make my awkwardness work in my advantage and become the Belgian Community Channel.

10. What would change in your life if they proved God was real?
I could repent for my sins and forget about them. Instead of having to live with them myself.

11. What would change if you were immortal?
I’m guessing my quality of life would go down? I don’t want to be immortal at all. What wicked professor made me this way? Physical immortality doesn’t appeal to me. Leaving a mark on this planet, even long after you’ve died, that seems more like something I’d want.

12. You are going to die tomorrow. What would you do all day?
Assuming that I’ve taken care of everything (like my funeral and dividing my belongings) and that I’m well enough to enjoy this last day. I would eat a bunch of chocolate and fly to Italy. I lost my heart to Italy. Every time I go there, it feels like coming home.

13. If your life was a movie, what would the title be?
Nacho mama (Say it out loud, you’ll get it).

14. Describe yourself in 5 words.
I. Don’t. Like. Long. Questionnaires.

15. Do you regret not taking any chances in life?
Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t be filling out all these questions, would I?

16. How old would you want to be?
My current age. Although, I tend to forget how old I am on a regular basis. If that answer doesn’t suffice, I’ll go with 65. Retirement, baby!

17. What would you do different if no one would judge you?
I’d live more freely. (Aaaand I’d probably give myself an edgy make-over)

18. Are you aware that there are people out there who’s lives are harder than yours?
No, I’m an imbecile… Of course I know that!

19. If they turned your life into a movie. Would watching it entertain you?
Depends on which memories make the cut.

20. If you could ask one person one question (and they had to answer honestly) what and who would you ask? I asked Siri if she knew the meaning of life. She gave up. If she can’t answer it, who can?

Siri life

Well, I learned what I don’t want to be: an immortal jellyfish.

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