Waiting for my life to begin

This post is a little out of the ordinary for me. I’m pretty good at writing self-deprecating one-liners. But I’ve been playing with this feeling for a couple of weeks now. So I’ll give opening up to the internet a shot.

As some of you might know, I recently started my first real job. It’s wonderful and the colleagues are great, but I can’t help feeling somewhat strange about it. I’m on the verge of adulthood, looking back on my childhood, puberty and student years, and I can’t help feeling a sense of loss. Like saying goodbye to mucking about and starting your real life.

That last part, beginning to live, is what keeps me up at night. Sure, I know that technically I started to live 24 years ago when I took my first breath (as a purple, egg-headed dwarf… but that’s another story). But all my life I’ve been looking forward to starting my life.

I thought it might start when I got my first boyfriend, when I graduated high school, went to college, got my masters degree, learnt how to drive or when I got my first job. Now, three paychecks have passed and I’m still waiting for my life to begin.

I have a tendency towards stalling gratification. Like I promised myself a tattoo I’ve been wanting for years. First I promised to get one after I lost a certain amount of weight, then after I graduated, then my drivers permit, then my first job… Needless to say I still feel like I haven’t earned it.

My life isn’t going to start after I drop a couple of pant sizes, get a job or a house even. It might feel that way for me right now. But if I keep waiting for my life to begin, one day I’ll be 90 and wondering where it went.

I might be alone in this. But if any of you made it through the small novel I just wrote: “Have you ever felt like this? And how have you dealt with it?” I’m curious to hear your opinion on this.

5 Comments

  • 4 years ago

    Ik heb eerder het omgekeerde: dat zodra ik aan de serieuze dingen van het leven begin, zoals fulltime werken, kinderen, trouwen en die zever, mijn leven definitief voorbij is :-(

    • 4 years ago

      Ik heb ergens ook wel dat gevoel. Maar dan heb ik niet het gevoel dat ik kan zeggen dat ik al ten volle geleefd heb. Is dit een mid-mid life crisis? :p

  • Anja
    4 years ago

    Lola, na 7 maanden nog steeds het gevoel dat het leven nog niet begonnen is ;-).

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